I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.
Jay London

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
Jay London

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
Jay London

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
Jay London

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
Jay London

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
Jay London

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
Jay London

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
Jay London

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
Jay London

People read me but they don't subscribe.
Jay London

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
Jay London

You know what burns me? Matches.
Jay London