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If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Jay Leno Quotes

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Christmas, Wise, Men

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Girl, Yesterday, Said

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

Time, America, People

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Today, Men, Day

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.

Home, Baseball, Safety

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Funny, Reason, Two

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

Good, Election, Basketball

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Laugh, Mad, You

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Funny, Mother, Dad

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Think, See, Something

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.

Wine, Beer, Week

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Medicine, Idiot, New

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Women, America, Strong

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Team, Name, Want

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

Truth, Today, Day

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.

Simple, Laugh, Mad

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

War, Great, Evil

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.

Best, Work, Good

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

October, Cubs, Realize

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

Work, Good, America

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

Day, Problem, Hands

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

Money, Book, Sex

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.

Work, Will, Try

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

Today, Me, Important

Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Comedian

Born: April 28, 1950

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Find on Amazon: Jay Leno

Cite this Page: Citation

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