Jay Leno Quotes

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

Christmas, Men, Wise

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
Jay Leno

Valentine's Day, Men, Today

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Funny, Dad, Mother

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

Funny, Two, Reason

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
Jay Leno

Women, Men, Successful

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
Jay Leno

Time, America, Last

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Jay Leno

Here, Lottery, Psychic

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
Jay Leno

Girl, Said, Yesterday

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
Jay Leno

Down, Wine, Beer

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
Jay Leno

House, Call, White

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Jay Leno

God, Apology, Hollywood

Politics is just show business for ugly people.
Jay Leno

Politics, Business, Show

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
Jay Leno

Famous, Mother, Until

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
Jay Leno

Work, Good, Best

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
Jay Leno

Home, Hurt, Fight

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.
Jay Leno

Simple, Laugh, Cannot

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
Jay Leno

Until, Realize, Chicago

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'
Jay Leno

Off, Running, Canada

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Jay Leno

God, Vote, Wanted

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
Jay Leno

Work, Try, Next

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
Jay Leno

Bad, Dog, Breath

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
Jay Leno

Work, Good, America

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
Jay Leno

Today, Important, Paper

People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
Jay Leno

Money, Mind, Working

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.
Jay Leno

Money, Best, Comedy

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: April 28, 1950

Links

Find on Amazon: Jay Leno

Cite this Page: Citation

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