A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.
Irvin S. Cobb

A good storyteller is a person with a good memory and hopes other people haven't.
Irvin S. Cobb

A woman may have a witty tongue or a stinging pen but she will never laugh at her own individual shortcomings.
Irvin S. Cobb

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been discontinued.
Irvin S. Cobb

As I understand it, sport is hard work for which you do not get paid.
Irvin S. Cobb

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.
Irvin S. Cobb

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb

If writers were good businessmen, they'd have too much sense to be writers.
Irvin S. Cobb

Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.
Irvin S. Cobb