A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henny Youngman