Henny Youngman Quotes

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

Funny, Morning, Sorry

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman

Marriage, Love, Home

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

Marriage, Happy, Secret

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Henny Youngman

Money, Die, Four

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman

Anniversary, Music, Marriage

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

Two, Doctor, Quit

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

Christmas, Become, Wanted

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman

Help, Woman, Made

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman

Good, Today, Two

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

Funny, Succeed, Skydiving

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Henny Youngman

Crazy, Him, Put

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

Read, Reading, Gave

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman

Great, Him, Horse

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman

Travel, Took, Pleasure

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman

Horse, Kept, Trip

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman

Marriage, Her, She

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman

Graduation, School, Used

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman

Women, Chicago, Frank

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman

Glasses, Drinks, Bottle

Take my wife... Please!
Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman

Girl, Night, Her

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman

Time, Tough, Afraid

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Henny Youngman

Car, Brother, Lifeguard

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: March 16, 1906

Died: February 24, 1998

Links

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Cite this Page: Citation

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