A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx


Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx