Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx