Groucho Marx Quotes

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

Medical, Bed, Running

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

Evening, Wonderful, Perfectly

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx

Live, Long, Enough

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx

Time, Sex, Remember

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx

Important, Before, Speak

Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx

Humor, Reason, Mad

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx

Life, Time, Mind

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx

Women, Heard, Obscene

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx

Time, Talk, Next

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx

Nothing, Poverty, State

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx

Military, Terms

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx

Him, Find, Honest

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx

Time, Before, Boss

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Groucho Marx

Good, Book, Find

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

Laughter, Book, Down

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx

Age, Born, Early

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx

Mind, Head, Beat

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx

Good, Hate, Leaving

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx

Before, Again, Story

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx

Play, Conditions, Adverse

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx

Brain, Old, Year

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx

Days, Actually, September

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

Evening, Wonderful, Perfectly

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Won, Belong, Member

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: October 2, 1895

Died: August 19, 1977

Links

Find on Amazon: Groucho Marx

Cite this Page: Citation

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