Groucho Marx Quotes

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

Power, Happy, Today

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx

Politics, Art, Wrong

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Best, Friend, Book

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

Funny, Someone, Understand

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Funny, Club, Join

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Funny, Women, Through

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx

Care, Club, Belong

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

Funny, Born, Except

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

Forget, Face, Glad

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx

Women, Life, Him

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx

Black, Path, Animal

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

Beauty, Father, Her

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx

Life, Fake, Honesty

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx

Marriage, Live, Wonderful

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx

Others, Principles

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

Time, Book, Find

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx

Live, Trying, Die

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx

Successful, Wife, Woman

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

Woman, Old, Feels

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx

Medical, Feeling, Golf

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

Wedding, Judge, Married

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx

Art, Tell, Water

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx

Morning, Shot, Elephant

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

Humor, Dead, Horse

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

Medical, Bed, Running

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: October 2, 1895

Died: August 19, 1977

Links

Find on Amazon: Groucho Marx

Cite this Page: Citation

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