I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
Gilbert Gottfried

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.
Gilbert Gottfried

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
Gilbert Gottfried

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.
Gilbert Gottfried

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
Gilbert Gottfried

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
Gilbert Gottfried

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.
Gilbert Gottfried

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
Gilbert Gottfried

Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.
Gilbert Gottfried