The status quo sucks.
George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin

Think off-center.
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin