I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin