George Carlin Quotes

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin

Communication, Truth, Language

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

Beat, Beaten, Arrange

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

Freedom, Fight, Fire

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin

Silent, Moon, Wolves

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin

Two, Three, Tequila

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin

Someone, Wonder, Says

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin

Two, Group, Guy

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

Travel, Mean, Before

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

Funny, Person, Left

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin

Good, Trying, Put

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin

Good, Texas, Fewer

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin

Work, Time, While

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin

Time, Death, Long

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin

Away, Felt, Doctor

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin

Future, Past, Present

Think off-center.
George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin

Someone, Realize, Listening

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin

Sure, Looks, Area

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin

Death, Person, Party

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin

Him, Find, Charge

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin

Life, Step, Hands

Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin

Religion, Mind, Control

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin

Lost, Old, Memories

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin

Become, Another, Far

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: May 12, 1937

Died: June 22, 2008

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