I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
Fred Allen

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
Fred Allen

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
Fred Allen

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Fred Allen

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Fred Allen

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
Fred Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Fred Allen

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Fred Allen

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
Fred Allen

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Fred Allen

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
Fred Allen

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Fred Allen

Television is the triumph of machine over people.
Fred Allen