A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Fred Allen

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Fred Allen

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Fred Allen

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Fred Allen

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred Allen

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
Fred Allen

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Fred Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
Fred Allen

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Fred Allen

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Fred Allen

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
Fred Allen