A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred Allen

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Fred Allen

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Fred Allen

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Fred Allen

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Fred Allen

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Fred Allen

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred Allen

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Fred Allen


An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
Fred Allen

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
Fred Allen

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
Fred Allen

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Fred Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
Fred Allen

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Fred Allen

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Fred Allen