Fred Allen Quotes

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

Funny, Long, Taken

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Funny, Live, Happen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Fred Allen

Valentine's Day, Time, Him

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred Allen

Business, Confusion, Percent

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Fred Allen

Graduation, Law, Learned

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen

Funny, Religion, Time

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred Allen

Life, Hard, Person

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

Funny, Family, Tree

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Fred Allen

Group, Committee, Unwilling

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

Nothing, Done, Group

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Fred Allen

Technology, Done, Television

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Fred Allen

Heart, Enough, Place

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
Fred Allen

Rather, Full, Front

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Fred Allen

Life, Success, Small

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Fred Allen

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Fred Allen

Good, Makes, Hanging

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

Nothing, Done, Together

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Fred Allen

Place, Stars, Mistake

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen

Funny, Yourself, Find

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
Fred Allen

Human, Race, Resign

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
Fred Allen

Good, Great, Bad

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Fred Allen

Woman, Gentleman, Hit

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Fred Allen

Good, Times, Star

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Fred Allen

Guy, Hollywood, Producer

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: May 31, 1894

Died: March 17, 1956

Links

Find on Amazon: Fred Allen

Cite this Page: Citation

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