I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.
Fran Lebowitz

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
Fran Lebowitz

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
Fran Lebowitz

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
Fran Lebowitz

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.
Fran Lebowitz

If you're going to America, bring your own food.
Fran Lebowitz

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.
Fran Lebowitz

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.
Fran Lebowitz

My favorite animal is steak.
Fran Lebowitz

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
Fran Lebowitz

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.
Fran Lebowitz

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Fran Lebowitz

Nothing succeeds like address.
Fran Lebowitz

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.
Fran Lebowitz

Polite conversation is rarely either.
Fran Lebowitz

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
Fran Lebowitz