All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
Fran Lebowitz

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.
Fran Lebowitz

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Fran Lebowitz

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
Fran Lebowitz

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.
Fran Lebowitz

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Fran Lebowitz

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.
Fran Lebowitz

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.
Fran Lebowitz

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.
Fran Lebowitz

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
Fran Lebowitz

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
Fran Lebowitz

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.
Fran Lebowitz

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Fran Lebowitz

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.
Fran Lebowitz

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
Fran Lebowitz

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?
Fran Lebowitz

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
Fran Lebowitz