Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
Erma Bombeck

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Erma Bombeck

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
Erma Bombeck

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
Erma Bombeck

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Erma Bombeck

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Erma Bombeck

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
Erma Bombeck

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
Erma Bombeck