Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Erma Bombeck

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Erma Bombeck

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck

Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Erma Bombeck

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Erma Bombeck

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Erma Bombeck

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Erma Bombeck

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Erma Bombeck

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
Erma Bombeck

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Erma Bombeck