How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Erma Bombeck

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
Erma Bombeck

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Erma Bombeck

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Erma Bombeck

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."
Erma Bombeck

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Erma Bombeck

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Erma Bombeck

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Erma Bombeck

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Erma Bombeck

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Erma Bombeck

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Erma Bombeck

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Erma Bombeck