Erma Bombeck Quotes

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Erma Bombeck

Children, After, Sick

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck

Medical, Office, Doctor

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Erma Bombeck

Mind, Human, Brain

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck

Food, Family, Gravy

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Erma Bombeck

Nothing, Child, Dog

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Erma Bombeck

Dreams, Courage, Someone

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
Erma Bombeck

Time, Children, Put

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Erma Bombeck

Lost, Two, Total

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck

Parenting, Car, Anyone

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Erma Bombeck

Women, Cars, Thin

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Erma Bombeck

Business, Society, Mother

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Erma Bombeck

Nothing, Miserable, Photo

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma Bombeck

Anyone, Piece, Notice

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Erma Bombeck

Society, Live, Through

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Erma Bombeck

Women, Home, Once

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Erma Bombeck

Sports, Football, Dead

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Erma Bombeck

Courage, Children, Lives

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
Erma Bombeck

Mother, After, Wrong

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck

Marriage, Car, Live

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
Erma Bombeck

Trying, Before, Try

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
Erma Bombeck

Friend, Old, Tell

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck

Reason, Again, Hear

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Erma Bombeck

Food, Religion, Family

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Erma Bombeck

Next, Week, Sale

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Erma Bombeck

Car, Place, Wait

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Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Journalist

Born: February 21, 1927

Died: April 22, 1996

Links

Find on Amazon: Erma Bombeck

Cite this Page: Citation

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