I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips