Emo Philips Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

Computers, Once, Boxing

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips

Forgiveness, Work, Him

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

Funny, Here, Hand

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

Humor, Sure, Computer

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

Funny, Friend, Door

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Emo Philips

Women, Live, Beat

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips

Life, Good, Money

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips

Love, Children, Down

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips

Give, Free, Away

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips

Beer, Getting, Quite

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips

Through, Worth, Seem

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips

Morning, Through, Worth

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
Emo Philips

Time, Sorry, Fight

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

Funny, Alone, Night

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips

Life, Family, Time

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips

Lucky, Hoping, Gum

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips

Life, Time, Loved

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips

Hate, Indian, Givers

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips

Love, Children, Down

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips

Men, Pain, Real

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips

Today, Lost, Down

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips

Reason, Classmates, Moved

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips

Evil, Understand, Office

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: February 7, 1956

Links

Find on Amazon: Emo Philips

Cite this Page: Citation

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