Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
Elayne Boosler

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
Elayne Boosler

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Elayne Boosler

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elayne Boosler

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Elayne Boosler

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
Elayne Boosler

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
Elayne Boosler