The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
Dennis Miller

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
Dennis Miller

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
Dennis Miller

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Dennis Miller

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
Dennis Miller

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Miller

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
Dennis Miller

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
Dennis Miller

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Dennis Miller

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
Dennis Miller

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
Dennis Miller