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Dennis Miller Quotes
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What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.
I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.
Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
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