Dennis Miller Quotes

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Dennis Miller

Study, Fat, Found

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
Dennis Miller

Time, Again, Getting

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
Dennis Miller

Plan, House, United

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Miller

Funny, Long, Nothing

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
Dennis Miller

Education, Problem, Realize

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

Funny, Rant, Therefore

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
Dennis Miller

Problem, Terrorism, Clinton

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
Dennis Miller

Time, Nothing, Thought

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
Dennis Miller

Lying, Cheese, Washington

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
Dennis Miller

Best, School, May

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
Dennis Miller

Parenting, Job, Important

I lapsed into rude.
Dennis Miller

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
Dennis Miller

Why, Hair, Days

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
Dennis Miller

Life, Death, Country

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
Dennis Miller

Human, Used, While

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.
Dennis Miller

Office, Elected, Holds

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.
Dennis Miller

Living, Point, Everybody

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Dennis Miller

Chess, Checkers, Bush

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.
Dennis Miller

Another, Voltaire

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
Dennis Miller

Play, Attention, Games

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Dennis Miller

Time, Good, God

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
Dennis Miller

Tell, Found, Iraq

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Dennis Miller

Aids, Global, Radical

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
Dennis Miller

Money, Down, Put

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
Dennis Miller

Marriage, Money, Someone

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Biography

Nationality: American

Born: November 3, 1953

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