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Demetri Martin Quotes
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I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I never set out to do a sketch show.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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