Quote of the Day
Demetri Martin Quotes
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I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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