People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
David Letterman

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
David Letterman

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
David Letterman

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
David Letterman

There is no off position on the genius switch.
David Letterman

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
David Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
David Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
David Letterman

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
David Letterman