Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
Dave Barry

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Dave Barry

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Dave Barry

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
Dave Barry

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
Dave Barry

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Dave Barry