Dave Barry Quotes

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry

Bad, Beer, Water

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry

Funny, Person, Another

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Dave Barry

Human, Why, Reason

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
Dave Barry

Women, Men, Simple

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry

Christmas, Time, Again

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
Dave Barry

Relationship, Guy, Assume

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Dave Barry

Technology, Today, Why

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry

Young, Immature, Once

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry

Life, Stomp, Dies

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Dave Barry

Stupid, Breasts, Function

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Dave Barry

Technology, History, Waiting

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Dave Barry

Percent, Accidents, Falling

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry

Almost, Religious, Share

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry

Night, Same, Sleeping

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave Barry

Car, Nothing, Dogs

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
Dave Barry

Sports, Problem, Place

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Dave Barry

Car, Boring, Down

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Dave Barry

Powerful, Physics, Force

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Dave Barry

Travel, Rain, Against

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
Dave Barry

Religion, Writing, After

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Dave Barry

Teen, Nothing, Parent

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barry

Death, Forward, Immaturity

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
Dave Barry

Cannot, Company, Inside

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry

Today, Golf, Anybody

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Biography

Nationality: American

Type: Journalist

Born: July 3, 1947

Links

Find on Amazon: Dave Barry

Cite this Page: Citation

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