A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
Conan O'Brien

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.
Conan O'Brien

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.
Conan O'Brien

CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'
Conan O'Brien

During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.
Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.
Conan O'Brien

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
Conan O'Brien

Fish recognize a bad leader.
Conan O'Brien

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
Conan O'Brien

In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.
Conan O'Brien


In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.
Conan O'Brien

In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.
Conan O'Brien

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
Conan O'Brien

John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.
Conan O'Brien

Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years.
Conan O'Brien

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.
Conan O'Brien

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.
Conan O'Brien

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
Conan O'Brien

President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.
Conan O'Brien

President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.
Conan O'Brien