And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.
Colin Mochrie

As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.
Colin Mochrie

Give me liberty or a bran muffin!
Colin Mochrie

Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!
Colin Mochrie

Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?
Colin Mochrie

I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.
Colin Mochrie

I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money.
Colin Mochrie

I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!
Colin Mochrie

I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.
Colin Mochrie

I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.
Colin Mochrie


I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.
Colin Mochrie

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.
Colin Mochrie

My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!
Colin Mochrie

My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.
Colin Mochrie

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!
Colin Mochrie

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.
Colin Mochrie

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.
Colin Mochrie

Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.
Colin Mochrie

The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.
Colin Mochrie

The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.
Colin Mochrie