As far as I'm concerned, "whom" is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
Calvin Trillin

Health food makes me sick.
Calvin Trillin

I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.
Calvin Trillin

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.
Calvin Trillin

The food in such places is so tasteless because the members associate spices and garlic with just the sort of people they're trying to keep out.
Calvin Trillin

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin

The question about those aromatic advertisements that perfume companies are having stitched into magazines these days is this: under the freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment, is smelling up the place a constitutionally protected form of expression?
Calvin Trillin

The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.
Calvin Trillin

When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere.
Calvin Trillin