Billy Connolly Quotes

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly

Funny, Someone, Thinking

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly

Funny, Wanted, Army

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly

Marriage, Wonderful, Again

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Billy Connolly

Two, Winter, Seasons

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
Billy Connolly

Why, Learn, Likely

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
Billy Connolly

Time, Dark, Speak

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
Billy Connolly

Trust, Alone, Try

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Billy Connolly

Great, Same, Nuclear

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Billy Connolly

Jesus, Name, Mexican

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
Billy Connolly

Give, Far, Wind

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
Billy Connolly

God, Islam, Different

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
Billy Connolly

Job, Tell, Workplace

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Billy Connolly

Before, Makes, Word

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
Billy Connolly

Afraid, Far, Used

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
Billy Connolly

Friends, Between, Tell

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
Billy Connolly

God, Whole, Trouble

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
Billy Connolly

Thinks, Tactics, Mint

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
Billy Connolly

Successful, Started, Soon

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
Billy Connolly

Saying, Behind, Hear

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
Billy Connolly

Mother, Tell, Head

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
Billy Connolly

Fame, Cigarette, Asked

I don't aim to offend.
Billy Connolly

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
Billy Connolly

Another, Artist, Scottish

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
Billy Connolly

Love, Two, Days

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
Billy Connolly

Find, Acting, Comedy

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Biography

Nationality: Scottish

Born: November 24, 1942

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