A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
Bill Cosby

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
Bill Cosby

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
Bill Cosby

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
Bill Cosby

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
Bill Cosby

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
Bill Cosby

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
Bill Cosby

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby


Gray hair is God's graffiti.
Bill Cosby

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
Bill Cosby

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
Bill Cosby

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
Bill Cosby

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bill Cosby

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
Bill Cosby

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
Bill Cosby

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.
Bill Cosby