Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
Ambrose Bierce

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
Ambrose Bierce

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Ambrose Bierce

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Ambrose Bierce

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
Ambrose Bierce

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Ambrose Bierce

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
Ambrose Bierce

Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
Ambrose Bierce

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
Ambrose Bierce

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Ambrose Bierce

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
Ambrose Bierce

Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
Ambrose Bierce

Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
Ambrose Bierce

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Ambrose Bierce

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
Ambrose Bierce

Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Ambrose Bierce

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Ambrose Bierce